I remember the first stimulating chill and the immense throbbing of my heart when I first met my husband during the "legal viewing" of the potential groom according to Islamic law. The idea of becoming a bride, a wife, and a wholesome partner seeking a "best friend" in her so-called "soulmate" was a cheesy goal for me. It was a flourishing traditional marriage, and he was surprisingly everything I needed in a husband. It's crazy how you can become attached to someone quickly, that seemingly love is no longer a solid word to express.
A few months before the wedding, little cute me decided to overthink and ask my little cute me if the lust and love I was encountering would fade. And if so, for how long before it disappears? (I know, what a stupid thought of a bride-to-be to wonder.) At that point, I reached a height of genuine happiness. I couldn't sleep because reality was better than my dreams. It was like reaching for the stars.
So, when you are at the very top, you start to wonder and fill your mind with ideas about what's it like to be down there. And it sends you to horrible conclusions. Why should I get married when this "lust and love" will fade? What's the point of all this wedding rush if we end up like a boring couple?
Ugh! The drama. I'm horrible. Yes.
This idea came to me, and I wondered if I asked familiar married individuals about their Marriage and romance and whether it is utterly true that romance does fade over time. So, here is my short interview with wives whose Marriage spans less than a year to 20+ years.
Anonymous #1: Married for 7 months.
Was it a traditional marriage or out of love? -- "Traditional."
How would you describe Marriage in 3 words? -- "Respect, honesty, and trust."
What did you feel when you got married? (emotions, concerns, ideas) -- "I was overwhelmed and worried because it was a new chapter in my life, and it was no going back after I said, 'yes,' but at the same time, I was happy and excited for this welcoming chapter, and my emotions were all over the place. I knew deep down I made the right decisions."
Has the romance faded away? -- "No, and Inshallah, never."
What do you do to revive your romance? -- "Well, since my previous answer was 'No,' I'll answer this question with some methods that couples could try to revive the romance. Activities are always a good answer—surprise short travels and date nights that allow deep conversations. (Also, each couple knows what form of activities suits them.) And communication is KEY. No need for unnecessary drama that some women consider a way to deal with an argument."
What advice do you have for those who are married or on the face of Marriage? -- "Don't be afraid to say NO to traditional Marriage. It might surprise you. He might surprise you. And whether it's a traditional marriage or based on love. A marriage is a marriage, and it has its ups and downs. Communication and patience are vital."
Anonymous #2: Married for 2 years.
Was it a traditional marriage or out of love? -- "Traditional."
How would you describe Marriage in 3 words? -- "Effort, Beautiful, and love."
What did you feel when you got married? (emotions, concerns, ideas) -- "At first, it felt scary. I had mixed feelings of nervousness and happiness at the same time. You're starting a new life. Creating a family of your own is a blessing. It's so beautiful, and I'm so thankful."
Has the romance faded away? -- "I don't feel like the romance has ever faded away. It still exists in particular moments, not every day, making the 'romantic moment' very special."
What do you do to revive your romance? -- "I say travel is the key to reviving romance."
What advice do you have for those who are married or on the face of Marriage? -- "Marriage is a beautiful thing to experience. It's a rollercoaster, thrilling, and liberating at times. You need to be genuine to yourself and your partner and try to understand where your partner stands at some points. The key to every relationship is communication and understanding. Appreciating everything together, tiny things. And love will grow within you."
Anonymous #3: Married for 3 years.
Was it a traditional marriage or out of love? -- "I can't say if it's traditional or out of love. I think it was in between. I was walking in the corridor of my workplace, and my now husband was there with his mother, and he saw me and asked his mother to talk to me and ask for my mother's number."
How would you describe Marriage in 3 words? -- "Responsibility, concessions, and safety."
What did you feel when you got married? (emotions, concerns, ideas) -- "Thrilled."
Has the romance faded away? -- "It did, but we made sure to renew it every once in a while. Responsibilities came in the way."
What do you do to revive your romance? -- "Getaways and date nights."
What advice do you have for those who are married or on the face of Marriage? -- "Have fun (travel, go on date nights, do new things) and do get to know one another before considering conception, at least the first year of marriage."
Anonymous #4: Married for 6 years.
Was it a traditional marriage or out of love? -- "Love/Traditional."
How would you describe Marriage in 3 words? -- "Bittersweet, hard work, and rewarding."
What did you feel when you got married? (emotions, concerns, ideas) -- "I was nervous yet excited. I thought Marriage was butterflies and rainbows (when there's no such thing in reality.)."
Has the romance faded away? -- "Yes, at times I've felt that there's a wave of neutrality in our feelings (when looking back, I feel like it's normal to go through such a phase of a long-term relationship. Even friendships might experience it.) It reaches a height of emotions."
What do you do to revive your romance? -- " 1) Go that 'extra mile,' 2) Romanticing the little things and your everyday routine, 3) Going on weekly/monthly dates, 4) Finding fun things to do together even if it's just going out for a walk and getting some coffee/ice-cream, etc..."
What advice do you have for those who are married or on the face of Marriage? -- "1) Be realistic and keep your expectations realistic (not too high or too low), 2) To each their journey, don't compare yours with anyone else's, 3) Enjoy your good moments and don't take them for granted even if it's just an 'I love you,' or merely a silent romantic glance, 4) And you'll get through the lows (keep your faith in Allah)."
Anonymous #5: Married for 30 years.
Was it a traditional marriage or out of love? -- "Traditional."
How would you describe Marriage in 3 words? -- "Love, safety, and respect."
What did you feel when you got married? (emotions, concerns, ideas) -- "I was most afraid of the unknown. It was a traditional marriage. I remember running to my mom on the 2nd day of my Marriage, yelping, 'I don't want to be married!' It was hilarious, not that he was terrible or anything. I was just afraid. But I liked the idea of Marriage because I was consumed with thoughts of us getting to hang out (theaters, restaurants, traveling.) There wasn't much to do back then. So he was my way out to be independent and go wild."
Has the romance faded away? -- "No, the greater the relationship was, the greater the romance. Now I have married a very tempered man. There were times when I asked for a divorce, but looking at my life now. I am happy with where we stand. I'm 50+ years old, and my husband still holds my hand in public, plants a kiss on my face when he leaves/comes back from work, and is still a jealous man. I love him with all my heart."
What do you do to revive your romance? -- "I'm old school. I dress, put on some makeup, and act like Shakira."
What advice do you have for those who are married or on the face of Marriage? -- "Marriage is all about respect. It's the foundation of a blissful life."