It's odd to say this, but I'm thankful for my skin breakout—that one frightful breakout that resisted for almost a year. I remember going through a phase of anxiety and depression, followed by self-neglect. For a moment, I didn't give a damn to how bad my skin looked. It's as if I was alive to do my tasks—just that and sleep. Since it started when I was a senior medical student, I knew stress was a significant factor with all the assignments, medical portfolios, and the number of readings that I had to catch up with, the pressure surfaced to my skin. I considered covering it with makeup, but looking up close, it looked more distracting. Like using the powder technique for detecting latent fingerprints, it was more revealing than concealing.
During the summer, I thought of going to a dermatologist. It was a struggling choice because the first two dermatologists I went to were hopeless, and my skin got way more detrimental than before. I took my cousin's advice to check this doctor she recently went to manage her acne. Within the first two months of Accutane, my skin started to clear up. Despite my content of the process, I was still troubled with my pigmentations. Acne leaves dark spots when it clears. In addition to having slightly darker skin, areas become more pigmented and may take time to treat. One benefit of having darker skin is that it can help delay but not entirely stop aging skin signs.
My initial step to completely start going makeup-free was animated by my friend, who was also taking Accutane at the time (Accutane buddies.) The idea intimidated me at first. I mean, how could I possibly go bare? I felt like I shouldn't be allowed to be seen without a speck of makeup. It was like makeup was the pillar of womanhood. It kept me clean, attractive, and neat, and possibly healthy-looking because of hidden dark circles. I made a list of all the reasons why I don't want to go makeup-free. The grounds were absurd.
Boys.
Looking unattractive and messy.
Looking tired.
Again, boys.
Pigmentations and other skin flaws. (which should be normalized, because life)
You see, putting on makeup was as natural as getting dressed. It was a necessity. But when my acne problem presented, an opportunity came, and I took it. Thanks to my friend, who made me realize my own acceptance of myself was the most valuable thing. (Thank you, Ghalia.) It was hard at the beginning. I was still trying to avoid others or trying to have a conversation with my hands all up in the air to hide my face.
It was not until a few weeks later have I fully accepted my skin. It was just a matter of time to adapt. The thought of not minding what others think of you helped a lot. There was a power of letting go of all the negativities and insecure thoughts. I was finally happy, like I owned my true identity. Putting makeup to coverup my blemishes in an attempt to have "clear, engaging skin" was not doing it for me, apart from the occasional cat eyeliner or a smear of red lip color (for fun.) If I ever wanted to glamorize myself, it should be because I simply want to, not that I need it. You shouldn't need it to satisfy others or cover up spots so that others won't make you feel unsightly.
I remember looking at Alicia Keys makeup-free photoshoots that radiated with beauty and confidence. I strongly fancied this, but I couldn't because of the narrow western beauty standard and my stubborn insecurities. I believe in self-expression that you, as a woman, have the option to choose what makes you beautiful and healthy. Beauty rituals signify different things to different people. And it's okay as long as you're comfortable.
Watching yourself go from a ten to still a ten when you take off your makeup is enormous progress. Besides, don't you love rubbing your eyes freely?