I'm three months into my residency, and it's been turbulent. At least, my feelings are. One day, you are excited at what this program offers and the exposure you're provided with; another day, you are taunting your decision to apply to the program in the first place.
But one thing I was mindful of was that residency is hard. It was as simple as this. Some even compared it to military recruitment. I know what you're saying. How could it be that difficult three months into the program? Like how bad could it be?
It's more of a demanding field. You're expected to do so much work in a short period. And if you're like me, a parent with mommy and other social obligations, it gets demandier by the minute. There is always a last-minute announcement, a surprise deadline for an assignment, or a twice-weekly lecture we were obligated to attend as surgical residents.
As a new mom and an individual seeking leisure time, I find it challenging to set my mind and soul aside from work and enjoy the moment. I'm either physically exhausted from being sleep deprived, especially during post-calls, or stressing about pending projects, or mostly overthinking around the subject of:
I am way behind my fellow resident colleagues regarding surgical skills and knowledge.
Why do my first impressions during every new rotation set me off as weird and timid?
I need to be better.
These thoughts grew and spiraled when I started a new rotation at a hospital I was not familiar with. It had a different building structure and work system and was more extensive and demanding in task roles. I struggled with adapting to the new place, finding myself in the group, and proving myself as an OBGYN resident for a good evaluation and a great first impression.
Unfortunately, there were moments when I flunked. For now, I've done multiple episiotomies before my residency acceptance, and that one time I was trying too damn hard to impress my clinical tutor, it ended up being my worst episiotomy. Or how I've been called to cover ward calls for a colleague who was busy in the OT, and I came in 15-20 minutes late since I was finishing up my post-round plans and paperwork. This is when I got alerted by my supervisors that "they need to talk to me outside." This alone sends shivers up my spine, not in a good way.
And one thing about me is that I'm not good at masking my facial expressions. If there were a competition, I would lose badly. I remember being told that I performed c-sections like it was plastic surgery. It was not a compliment. "You're slow and too dependent on your instruments for surgical knots," my supervisor added.
It took me a while, and with the help of my family and friends, to finally realize that this was all part of the learning venture. I'm still at the dawn of my journey. I know it's okay to feel behind and new to things. What matters most is to be easy on myself, let loose on irrelevant situations at work, and grasp your opportunities. Also, I'm in the process of becoming more accepting and welcoming to criticism from my mentors. Whether good or bad, from love or hatred, teach yourself to take the intended message. Ultimately, it's only sometimes that you get an opportunity to get accepted into an elite program of your dream specialty.